Visible Loneliness

When it shows....

In the past few years, there has been a greater focus on loneliness. Loneliness is on the rise and most often it is men who are lonely. A recent podcast episode by The Financial Diet shed some light on loneliness in men saying that the models of masculinities drive them to unfulfilling relationships that eventually lead them to be alone. I am no stranger to loneliness. Growing up in a crowded household (we were, at one point, five adults in a 1 bhk) where not a single tear went unnoticed, I knew what it was to live surrounded fully and well by people who had come to know me deeply.

With marriage, I was introduced to a new type of loss. My sisters were in other cities and continents, and my mother, had passed. With my marriage and virilocality I left behind a deeply familiar culture, language, friends, places and with that just a familiar way of life. At a superficial level, I liked my new life in Delhi but took a long time to adjust to a spouse who didn’t fully understand what I was missing. I came face to face with feelings of loneliness which made me look out for those who I felt were lonely too, and not just alone.

I am also surrounded by elders who are most likely to be lonely and so I see it around me all the time. My newly retired father for example and two irritable aunts. And another gossipy uncle. And of course, two neighbours- one who lives with her 50-something son, (both are lonely) and another who lived with her 80-something husband- he just passed last month. The thing about this kind of loneliness, where you are living in a house full of people, but like a stranger, shows. It is what I have called visible loneliness- if you look carefully, you can see how truly alone this person is despite what might meet the eye.

In the show, Olive Kitteridge, when Frances McDormand returns from having lunch with her son and his family, she sees in the mirror that she had dropped food on her blouse and nobody decided to tell her that. It is in that moment, that it is clear as day to her, that the distance between herself and her son has grown in ways that cannot be bridged. She found out, that on that table, which was full of her family, she was actually alone. When you have someone who tells you that you have stained your clothes with food, have spinach in your teeth, or that your shirt is gaping or bra straps are showing (if you don’t like it showing), it is a sign that someone is noticing you and sharing a relationship close enough to let you know an uncomfortable truth. To communicate the witnessing of the most uncomfortable facts of a person’s life is to communicate precisely that they still love you despite seeing a not so flattering part of you. It is a form of intimacy. You can live your whole life surrounded by people who will respect the distance that exists between you and them, thus rendering you, lonely.

A Sicilian Proverb. Pic Credit: Boldomatic.com

One clear sign of a lack of distance between people is shared language. The other day, my mother-in-law was super annoyed because one of her cousins had not formally invited us for her son’s wedding. We have been informed of the date, place and other essential details, but we have not been formally invited. “How difficult is to invite anyone nowadays? All you have to do is send an e-card on Whatsapp”. Did you notice that? Totally on-point language- evident of those surrounded by children, grand-children, neighbours and God knows who else, glued to and using the latest lingo (I know lingo is outdated). On point language, is a sign of your evolution and possibly your involvement with another, often younger, generation. Are your grandchildren speaking to you like they would with their friends and do your children teach you the terms so that they can speak to you more quickly next time? Are they bringing you up to speed? The reason I use language as a bar is because you just start catching on. It is easy to adopt and is not frowned upon once you start using it. Unlike, say, fashion, which can be much harder to change.

Ideas that have remained unchanged, is also a sign of being left alone. My aunt is 80 years old, on her way to 81. I remember standing at the bus stop once, seething with anger, because she had made a homophobic statement. I remember recounting all the comments she had made and annoyed at how she had concluded that I was a worthy audience. In the past few years, I have found that I brace myself for a similar comment and it doesn’t come, what in fact comes, is an apology. A sense of awareness that her comments are not welcome and that she is trying hard not to make them. In my last call with her, I poured out to her, about how frustrated I was with a work situation and she told me that she understood. She understood. Who has she been hanging out with? What is expanding her sense of empathy? Who is taking the time to correct her? It’s lovely.

Alone Pic credit: Sis

There are other signs of visible loneliness. You get your hair coloured and your spouse doesn’t even notice. You tell your significant other something significant and they are not paying attention. You can come home after a dinner to find your lipstick was feathering and nobody even told you. You can be lonely in a marriage, in your senior years or just in general feel like you never belong. Keep these visible signs of loneliness, in your back pocket. Who knows when you might come across a person who actually wants to belong.