Thinking about Conflict
Four thoughts before or during a generative conflict.
This is the second part of a four-part article on conflict, in which I share three thoughts to explore before or as you engage in conflict. The entire process of writing, reading, re-reading and thinking through conflict (and also reflecting on the bigger genocide that is currently underway in Palestine), has resulted in new thoughts, which I will write more about in the last part. If you’d like to read the first part, please see here. As usual, let me know what you think about this section. And if you are waiting for all four to go up before you share your thoughts, I am happy to wait too!
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The reason I am on my moral high donkey or my plastic soap box, is not to show off my relatively strong conflict muscles but to help you, dear reader, to start practicing some conflict redressing behaviours. You might want to use these with the warning that others might not be using these tips. You might be stuck in a place where the other person engages in a free for all, where just because you offer the space to listen, you are treated as a doormat. At the same time, when you try to enforce a method to conflict, you might be accused of running away from it, intellectualizing it or just getting defensive. However, try these few points and see, if your biceps begin to show (not to punch!)
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1. Assess if the person is worth having a conversation: This is the first step where you really need to put in some effort. You have to assess if the person looks like someone who will be able to handle the complexity of the relationship, now that a conflict has complicated it. People who will use the conflict to mud sling, spiral out of control on account of feeling threatened, or those who will irrevocably alter, for worse, their relationship with you because of what you will confide in them during the conversation, you might want to let this relationship go or accept the status quo. This might look like conflict avoidance, but in reality, it is something you have decided that this relationship is not worth it. If the relationship has to end, it might be helpful to take active steps to build distance into this relationship or let it go, even if abruptly- as both of you can write each other off as closed chapters. This might result in unaddressed pain or lack of closure, but that is life too, right?
When I was 17, I had joined a dance class and wanted to drop out of it, because the teacher sucked. This was a huge conflict for me, at that age. I contemplated speaking with her and asking her to change her pedagogy, but I knew it would amount to nothing. She didn’t seem capable of listening to a 17-year-old, nor taking feedback from her trainees on how to improve. I decided to simply tell her that I had lost interest, and got my money back. This might look like a low stakes conflict as the dance instructor wouldn’t meet me at family gatherings. But this is just an example of assessing if a generative conflict is feasible at all.
2. Assess if the person is worth having the conversation, but is not super capable of it yet. Here, I would say consider someone who is really important to you like your spouse, partner, sibling, maybe a good-natured parent or grandparent, your in-laws, or even your business-partner. Most often, these are people you need to get along with, address conflicts, put them behind, so that you can move forward happily. I can write an entire book on this, especially where spouses and partners are concerned. These spouses especially (and even partners, romantic partners- of all sexes and genders) are someone with whom you want to make things work, unless you both are super incompatible. (In that case, where incompatibility is the issue, a divorce or break-up is the only way forward, yeah it is hard, but fighting every day is harder. That’s why listen to Zeenat Aman, and live-in for a bit first to check your compatibility).
In the case of the person who is important to you, but is yet to get better and engaging in generative conflict, then I am assuming you are happy to put in the labour as the health of the relationship has direct benefits to you. In this case, you simply provide the person a blueprint of how the conversation will go, and what will happen after the conversation. You also take huge emotional risks and make yourself vulnerable and ask for what you need to win back trust in the relationship. For example, ask for an apology, tell them why you need it, and commit to listening to them too.
When my sister and I returned from our three-week long trip to the UK, I had discovered that I was getting annoyed with her. It was a first. I rarely get annoyed with her, angry yes, but annoyance is different right? When we got home, I told her, that I found her annoying. She told me that she found me overbearing and pushy. My fears of abandonment were stoked and I thought my relationship with my sister would end (yes, these fears are intense, that’s why people avoid conflict). But like me, my younger sister also has strong conflict muscles and she told me- can we just accept that this is who we are and be ok with it? All conflict dissipated at that second. Now, she gets to be annoying to me and I get to be pushy with her (both not on purpose), and most importantly, we both get to be free. We meet in the middle, where we agree that we both get on each other’s nerves sometimes, and that time, we simply take some distance and not break off our relationship. Win- win. <Thanks Susie>
3. Always aim for a win-win even before you start discussing the conflict. This is an advice which I got when I was part of the marriage preparation course offered by the Catholic Church to all prospective couples. We were told that both the parties have to work towards a win-win. John Legend says that too in his classic, All of Me, “even when I lose, I am winning”. It is truer than true. In a relationship that truly matters to you, losing is the sure shot way of winning because it means you are putting the other (reasonable) person first. If you are in a fight where you want the other person to lose, you might just be fighting with someone with whom you must not want anything to do with. Tell me, do you want to hang out with losers? The point that you are ok with someone losing face means that you are subjugating the person. You need a slave, love, not an equal relationship.
Win-win means that I am willing to lose some so that you can win some, and I want to win some because winning means addressing my concerns. I have had some of my worst fights with my husband. I think he thinks the same about his fights with me. He doesn’t come from the win-win school of thought, and I suspect it is to do with the fact that he is from Delhi, where letting others win, is not in the culture’s DNA (that’s what I have been told). And because he wouldn’t let me win, I would ensure he would lose. <Yes, tough>. But there are some areas where we have come to an understanding where we meet in the middle or go for a win-win. For example, when we visit Delhi, I limit my stays there, because I know he is not there yet, where he can protect my time or space. It takes off undue pressure from him to always be on the lookout for me, and simultaneously makes me feel a lot more in control as I know that I will be back home in Bombay soon. (I don’t let him off the hook completely, I hold him accountable elsewhere).
Another peeve for me is when he overworks. We agree that he can work a little extra into our evenings, provided he simply tells me about his ‘over-time’. This allows him to meet his deadlines in peace and simultaneously addresses my fears of abandonment and loneliness. It also frees me up as I am not waiting for him to finish work to do something together like have dinner, watch a show or even go for a walk. I don’t feel neglected because he has agreed to alter his behaviour to meet my needs. It is difficult for him to acknowledge aloud that he is stealing time from our marriage for work and it takes me effort to be vulnerable and honest about my deep seated fears. We both lose some, but in the bigger picture, we both win.
I hope these were helpful. In the next installment, we look at four points more. Try to think through these when you have the chance, and let me know why these might not work for you. I can sense a blind-spot somewhere, and I’d appreciate if you bring it to my notice. See you in two weeks and until then, stay well and share my post with others?
Fiona, I love this! Saving it, bookmarking it, keeping it forever 🩵
I have a strong conflict muscle but I seem to be conflict avoidant in many situations. Now I understand the dynamics so much better. Thank you 😊