<Still> Thinking about Conflict
Four more thoughts to think on conflict
After an interruption, I am back still thinking about conflict. In the first part of this four-part article, I shared some of the reasons why people shy away from conflict. In the second part, I shared four thoughts to think as you approach conflict. In this third part, I continue to share some ways you can address conflict. In the last part, which will be in here in two weeks, I will share, a closing reflection on why conflicting with care is a feminist issue. As always, please give this newsletter a read, share your thoughts with me, and ask your friends and others to read the newsletter too. More importantly, think through your ways of addressing conflict and consider if these might be helpful to you. Also, share some of your ways with me.
5. Apologize: In some cases, I think it is extremely important to apologize. There are just no two ways about it. I often think with children who resort to telling lies when they have made any mistake, it is not that they want to lie, it is that they don’t know how to apologize. Of course, people do not know what to do with an apology either- they use them as evidence of wrong doing and proceed to punish, or use it a ‘power kick’ to berate the person further. Accepting apologies with grace is also a skill because otherwise telling lies is the only choice. Apologizing, or acknowledging your part in someone else’s grievance is surely the ultimately balm, that one is looking for. An apology is frankly a way forward as it is a conscious acceptance of one’s role and allows the brain to register the behaviour that might have caused hurt, thus enabling one not to repeat it. I made that theory up. But think of it, you bring into consciousness what you have done and therefore learn not to do it again. It is also a social contract of sorts, where you implicitly agree with the other party, that you won’t repeat the behavior. In future fights it a quick cue, ‘hey didn’t we speak about this?’ and it helps dissolve fights. Apologies are therefore one of the most powerful ways to grow the relationship because until and unless you accept your role in the wrong, you are still struggling to agree on what was wrong. Ah, please don’t give empty apologies.
6. Never stonewall, abandon or flee the conflict while in the middle of it. Unless there is some perceptible danger to yourself. Telling someone that you will speak about it and exiting the conversation never to come back again, or promising to address the issues and pushing it off indefinitely… these are nothing but conflict avoidance, mid-conflict. At this point, just take the hint and you leave too and then go to point 1 that the conflict with the person is, actually, not worth it.
7. Have you told the person before that you think they are tight-assed? If not, a fight is not the right time. Telling someone during a heated moment or even a calm confrontational moment what you think about them, is not just counter-productive but a below the belt move. In one of my recent fights (there have been only three burn the bridge type of fights that I am continuously referring to, in case you think I am going ballistic every chance I get) someone brought to my notice that I have double standards. I was intrigued. I would have loved to learn from this person’s perspective, so that I could better myself, but I realized that in that moment, I simply didn’t care about nor trust their perspective. <I don’t mean to sound so calm and nonchalant, that an accusation got me intrigued. The intrigue came a bit later when I was thinking about what they said>. Trusting and nourishing relationships are those where parties invest in each other and are willing to take an emotional risk for the well-being of the other person. If you truly care about a person, tell them that they have double standards (or that they are antisemitic, too smart for their pants, or too upright etc) when you first observe it. Use it as a moment to educate and support your friend’s growth. Sharing your observations with the fighter-cock during a fight accounts to name calling. I mean, drawing a person’s attention to their shortcomings or mistakes for your own gains is weaponizing someone’s weakness which leads to a breach of trust, because you will only be seen as someone who is keeping scores. Don’t do it.
8. Provide the conflicting person a path out either to save face or to offer some form of reparation. At some point during the confrontational moment, it is possible that you might sense some sort of impasse. Both of you, might be terribly overwhelmed and might not be able to make any progress. At this point, it would be great to suggest an exit plan for this point of the conversation. However, after this point, you might want to return to converse so as to not point (5) or really evaluate the situation and decide what you’d like to do with the relationship.
However, in some cases, you might quickly find that speaking has helped to blow off some steam and clear some initial misunderstanding. At that point, I think it is imperative to agree on some behaviours as reparation. I have been in conflicts with colleagues who have behaved exactly like *some* children- we don’t like to play with you, so we are taking our bat and ball and going home and will not see you again. And while we are at it, we will also stamp your shoes and stomp around to muddy your part of the playing field. Some children. Because I have known of others who say, we don’t like what you did, and now that we told you, we hope you will change. Let’s try a few more times, and see if you are willing to change your behaviour. And while we are at it, here is a glass of water, don’t feel that upset, we can play together.
When you behave like the latter children, you bank on the strength of the relationship. You send a message that relationships are not spaces where you show up as perfect, but work to get there. Some of my colleagues have given me feedback on my personality and actions, and immediately gotten me off projects without notice. I think it is not only unprofessional but despicable. But I also have had colleagues, who have held me and told me, that it difficult to convince me, and we have come up with a cue (a bent thumb!) that they used to remind me when I was being difficult. Those colleagues are friends now, whose weddings I was invited to and who on becoming parents texted me. It is possible to find friendship with people despite their faults.
Roxane Gay highlights in her writing the work that one is obliged to do for relationships that matter. She says that the work is not easy, marriage is never easy, but she is excited to put in the work because she cares about her marriage and her wife. We live in a culture that incentivizes individuality and treats others as disposable, and when we choose to conflict with care, we are resisting this message.
Thank you for reading until here. This is the penultimate part of the article. Look out for the last part of the article in a few weeks’ time! Stay well, and conflict with care.