Boys Don't Know

While 'boys don't cry' is utterly false, boys don't know is pretty true.

In his memoir Stay True, Hua Hsu recounts how, a few weeks after his friend Ken’s death, he spoke about it to one of his students. This young boy was a teenager and provided some perspective to a grieving Hsu and later showed immense compassion to him through small acts such as carrying his books and things from the staff room to the classroom. As a teacher, who has been taught to respect the opinion of young students, I have encountered this experience several times- when adults turn to children for answers, or some perspective and I am beginning to see a problem with this practice. I have done it too. When I was a teacher, I turned to one of my students, on a particularly bad day, for his perspective on what I could have done better to handle the class. He told me that I simply shouldn’t be getting so worked up.

Maybe, when you look you begin to see. And, just on Sunday, I saw two examples in the newspaper of how children are throwing light on some complex world issues. I will share only one. In the Indian Express, the headline (strangely) is of a book being released by Neerja Chowdhary next week on how six prime ministers of India made decisions. (I say strangely because there are too many things happening in India right now that can make the headlines- the incessant rains, the prolonged tensions in Manipur, but let’s headline a book). The headlining article has some excerpts from Chowdhary’s book and one excerpt is regarding Rahul Gandhi telling his mother, Sonia Gandhi in 2004 that, she will not become the Prime Minister of India. Gandhi Jr said that to Gandhi Sr because he had lost his father and grandmother, who were assassinated and feared the same fate for his mother, should she choose the position. Gandhi Sr in the end, did not assume the top position and I would be wrong to conclude that she did that only because of what her son had to say. I am in no way diminishing the mental trauma that Gandhi Jr had gone through losing his closest family members to such unimaginable violence that led him to make this ‘request’ of his mom, but what I am drawing your attention to is that young men- boys and/ or sons seem to have quite a bit of say in things that are clearly out of their league. A person I know very closely defers to her young son (he is 14) on all major decisions including her own career moves (she lost her husband a few years ago). Another acquaintance continuously shares photos of herself and her 8-year-old son with the caption ‘my man’. In the first case, psychologists might call it ‘enmeshment’ a term used to describe adult roles that children begin to play. The second case is something you have surely seen too. The assemblage is hard to miss- a mother with her hands on her son’s torso, sometimes with a knee raised. The poses might be different, but the message seems to be the same- the boy is a man, or more often ‘my man’. You almost never see this assemblage with a father calling his daughter ‘my woman’ (fathers showing affection to their daughters in our society can be pretty complicated). At the same time, you rarely see mothers posting photos with their daughters with captions that elevate the daughter’s position as formidable or as someone who can be deferred to. Daughters are pretty princesses, or ‘my lady’ (alluding to looking grown up not really having the actual perks of a grown up) or maybe, the flavour of the season- Barbie or my doll. All harmless pretty little playthings.

Elevating a boy’s position to something that he is yet to achieve is part of our patriarchal culture. Growing up in a society that prioritizes men and boys can mean that one internalizes this inflated treatment of boys as normal and continues this practice. In some cultures, and families, where patrilocality is common, mothers might favour boys as a way of securing their place in the eventual case when a bride enters the family. Boys are also perhaps given these opportunities to try their ‘leadership’ skills because they are being prepared to take on family headship. A strong boy might find some takers in the marriage market, but a strong girl, nobody wants a strong girl who can make decisions, and voice them. At the same time, I wonder, if women who defer to their young sons do so because they would like to camouflage their own decision making? Patriarchal set ups will punish a 60-year-old independent woman while still rewarding a 6-year-old bungling boy’s emergent wisdom.

As an educator I am conscious of my own stand in this scenario. All my working life, I have been an advocate of making children think and listening to them. I have been part of programmes where children try to solve real world issues and here, I am sounding like an ageist. As I introspect more, I see the point I am trying to make. Children simply need to be children and their perspective is important in matters that affect them. True that children operate with simplicity that adults seem to lack. But life is not always that simple. It has nuance, multiple truths and unknowns that take time and practice to work with. Cognitive faculties, also, develop slowly with time and experience and rushing children into falsely believing that they have all the wisdom on complex issues is a huge disservice to their learning journeys. We all know of people who think they know it all, when they, in fact, have much to learn. I also can’t help but wonder, that if a teen could make some important decisions then what is the adult lacking?

My irritation also results from the fact that boys tend to be deferred to more often than girls. And I wonder if this is the reason for mansplaining, maninterruption and in general men making claims to spaces as unabashedly while women tend to be more tentative? Is this also why grown-up men are simply not able to attend to the basics of life like caring for the immediate needs of themselves and others because they were constantly being pulled in to pontificate on ‘important’ decisions that they were not fully ready for? And for what they were ready, they were never taught.

So next time you meet a four-year-old, treat them like one. With respect, love, care, and attention to their needs. Because in doing so, you treat yourself like the fantastic adult that you are!